I told my husband last night that I have been struggling once again with an old enemy. I told him the whole thing, from start to finish. I told him how afraid I am of passing this on to our daughters, how ashamed I am of not being able to control what goes on in my head so I exert control over what goes into my body. I explained to him what I see and what I feel when I look into the mirror, and how I'm so afraid of losing his interest and his love by not being perfect. And he said all the right things. He assured me that he still loves me, will support me through all of my struggles, and reminded me of the vows we both took; in sickness and in health. He told me that he will always love me no matter what, regardless of the fact I'm not perfect. He said that in fact, one of the reasons he fell in love with me in the first place is because of my imperfections.

I finally got it all off my chest and am no longer trying to hide anything. So I should be feeling pretty good today, right? Well, I'm not. He decided to take me out to dinner to show me all's well and how much he still loves me. After all the pretty words and reassurances, he still doesn't get it. He bought me a steak, which has always been my favorite thing to binge on; but I'm not ready to binge. I ate a few bites of it, then gave the rest to our middle daughter who didn't like the burger she ordered. Honestly, I don't blame her for not liking it; it looked like a piece of greasy cardboard. I ended up eating 3 bites of steak, and about a cup and a half of steamed veggies.

So my problem now is that I don't know if he took it seriously or not. Does he think I'm making it up for attention? How could he though? He knows how I was raised by a complete lunatic. He knows I despise anyone trying to get pity (deserving or not). How could he think I just want attention? That's totally out of character for me. Or is it just my fucked up brain doing its own thing? It's almost like there's someone whispering in my ear, telling me he's just patronizing me. I thought I would feel better after telling him about it, but now I just have even more to be paranoid about.